I’m completely sure that I don;t know the answer to that question.
I guess I should start with some updates. I am safely ensconced in Poppa’s extra room. It isn’t homey, it isn’t mine, it is incredibly generous of him, and the price is right. Spencer drags my fat behind down two flights of stairs at least three times a day to go to the bathroom, but I must give him credit for having the process down to a science: pee just short of the ivy so it drains down the gutter, then poop in the ivy (most times) unless he just can’t manage to take that extra step and the poop rolls down the hill. Then I must find a large enough leaf with which to retrieve said rolling poop and toss it into the ivey–lest I be cussed at byt the woman with two dogs who are not friendly yet still not leashed, and it is clearly my fault when Spencer approaches them. We will both be much happier when we have a fenced yard again.
The papers for the divorce were filed 2 weeks ago. In Texas, that means we will be legally over in about 6 weeks. I changed my Facebook status and picture, and opened a new checking account. I will be going next week to get my Georgia license which will then allow me to register the car. (And be called for jury duty within 6 months–I’ll buy you all a chocolate bar if it doesn’t happen). We have an offer on the house in Houston, but it is a short sale so the bank must approve it. It seems highly unlikely that it will not be approved, but waiting for them to jump through all the hoops is a bit of a drag. We are both trying hard to be more than civil to each other, but it is very difficult not to let ego and emotion get in the way. That about covers the technicalities. As for the rest of it…
I had an appointment with my wonderful, awesome therapist Susan last week. I have seen her off and on since my early 20’s, and I think I put at least one kid through college. She now has a grandchild. After having difficulty finding a therapist I connected with in Houston, it was such a relief to talk to somebody who I know gets me and wil be able to help me. My current plan is to see her for a bit and then look into tweaking my meds. I’m on an anti-depessant that is evidently difficult to wean off of, and I keep wishing that the chemicals in my brain will magically start to work together rather than against me. I haven’t had a panic attack since returning to Atlanta, and that is wonderful. I continue to have an extreme aversion to falling asleep at a decent time which makes the 5:40 alarm clock my sworn enemy for life. I have taken nearly every sleeping pill in the universe over the last few years, but nothing is working at the moment. I do have a call in to my shrink from Houston who is covering my prescriptions until I transition to a doctor here. Another thing on my list to do this week.
I am hanging in there. Most days are okay, and some of them suck royally. I figure that is about par for the course given that it has been only 11 weeks since I packed the car. If I were all sunshine and light, it wouldn’t seem to genuine. I do feel less depressed than when I was in Houston, but I am incredibly sad. I think I am doing a good job of not blaming myself or beating myself up, but I do struggle with it. There were warning signs that in retrospect I wish I had seen. Oh well. Some life lessons are tougher than others.
Work is tough. It is physically harder than what I was doing in Houston, and I am working late nearly every day. I thankfully do get paid for this time, but I would rather have the time for myself. Hopefully I will figure out a way to become more efficient in the upcoming weeks.
The twins’ mother has made an amazing recovery. She is awake, has most of her memory back, and is at home. She still has lots to do before she is anywhere near “well,” but awake and knowing the girls is good enough for me.
I didn’t have it in me to write an actual post about it, but the suicide of Tyler Clementi and others has me outraged and completely saddened. I have reached out to a couple of organizations in the hopes of doing some volunteer work with gay/lesbian/transgendered teens. I don’t exactly feel like I have the energy, but I also think that taking action will help me feel less outraged and being productive should help my depression.
Thanks much for the support. You guys have been an important part of my life–even though I haven’t been around much of late. I’m thinking that writing down how I am thinking, feeling, and doing is likely a good idea. Plus–I want to get back connected like I once was. Love you all. Take care of yourselves and each other.