I am determined not to make this a blog about the pitiful redhead getting a divorce, battling depression, and so freaking tired all the time. However, I had a couple of days this week that were so crappy they need to be documented.
I have a significant, medical sleeping issue. I’m not sure what the actual diagnosis is, but when I was still in Houston, I could sleep for hours and still be exhausted. Thing is, when you are also as depressed as you have ever been in your life, it’s hard to figure out which box the symptoms fit into. At one point, the depression seemed to improve, but the sheer exhaustion just wouldn’t go away. When I started falling asleep at stoplights, the search for answers got a bit more intense. My primary care doc ran all the usual tests for “fatigue” and decided that it was not thyroid, iron, cortisol levels, etc. The next logical step was a sleep study to rule out sleep apnea. It was one of the most miserable nights of my life. They hooked me up to a million wires, a microphone, and I don’t remember what else. Then I was supposed to sleep. When the test results came back, they confirmed what I already knew: no sleep apnea. However, I did only sleep 49% of the time I was assigned to sleep. And when I did sleep, I rarely reached what they called Level 4 sleep. Evidently this is the level where your body restores itself. So, while I was sleeping many hours, my body didn’t really give a shit because it wasn’t the good kind of sleep.
I have been on many, many sleeping pills, and I now take Nuvigil which is a stimulant typically given to people with narcolepsy. It has become clear that I now need to address the sleeping issues again. I slept through the alarm for an hour and ten minutes on Tuesday. I got to work late, ran my ass off without lunch until 2 hours past my scheduled departure time. Then I ran out the door to get to my appointment with my therapist on time. I need the therapy, and I surely don’t need to pay for a missed session. I had a great session, then went to the car to return to work to finish what was unfinished. Then I noticed I had a flat tire. Fortunately, two very kind gentlemen helped me change the tire. It took them far less time and far fewer curse words than if I had been forced to change it myself. Somehow, I managed to keep a sense of humor about it–I mean it was like a stupid soap opera or something.
Then, I overslept on Wednesday. My boss is very supportive and understanding, but evidently HR has taken a near “zero tolerance” approach to tardiness lately.
So, yesterday I got out the alarm I had used in Houston–an alarm made for deaf people. Yes, that is what I wrote. DEAF people. I used it because it had a function that vibrates the bed to wake you, and that was less intrusive to my husband who didn’t have to get up as early as I did. It also has an incredibly high volume level, and you can adjust the tone to a particular frequency depending on your hearing issues. I set it to the most obnoxious level and went to bed. When it went off, I was certain that we were being attacked by aliens. The dog and cat were entirely unamused. However, I did make it to work on time today–and that was the whole point.
Tomorrow I get to see a redheaded buddy I haven’t seen since I returned to Atlanta–at my favorite live music venue with two of my favorite friends/musicians performing. I might be tired, but I will be happy.