Redhead, nurse, sister, daughter, aunt, newly-ex-wife, sucker for lost animals, currently owned by Percy the cat and Spencer the dog. In the middle of some major changes–trying to figure out what I want so I can figure out how to get there.

And so it goes…

I had very good intentions to post on a regular basis.  I am not quite certain where these last many days have gone.  I suppose they have gone where days go–work, sleep, and whatever else it seems that I do.

I am making progress as far as work, therapy and divorce.  I am feeling a bit more settled at work–not as  stressed out, and leaving earlier at the end of the day.  All that is good.

Therapy has been quite interesting.  I am back to working on the dreaded “family of origin” issues.  Trying to sort out what messages I got about relationships from both Mother and Poppa.  Beginnings of insights, elatbut not well formulated enough to relate.  One interesting note is that when I am asked about how my parents interacted with each other (in order to see what I learned), I have exactly zero memories.  I was 8 years old when my parents divorced, yet I caennot bring back a single memory of the two of them together.  I remember things from before the divorce, but I cannot conjure a single image of them as a couple.  I’m not at all surprised that I have some repressed memories, but I am a bit confused as to why I can’t remember things from *before* the divorce.  It seems more logical that the repressed memories would be from *after* since that is the time that was the most difficult.  I suppose the only thing to do is to keep going and see what comes up.

I am dealing fairly well with the divorce process.  I continue to feel guilty about the failure of my marriage, but I am not blaming myself in an unhealthy way.  I am concerned about my Ex right now.  He is coming to terms with the reality–and it is hard to see him struggle.  I want so much to remain friends with him.  I  want to be there for him.  I cannot believe how tough it is–even though we both are trying so very hard.  It is nearly impossible for me to imagine how hard an acrimonious divorce with children involved must be.

 This post http://blueroomdialogues.wordpress.com/2010/11/13/the-beauty-of-divorce-is-this/ made me think and prompted a comment that I need to keep in mind.  She is also recently separated, and I commented that “it is no longer important that he understand how I feel.”  It is so true, but sometimes hard to remember when he does something that I find frustrating.  I take a deep breath do my best to let it go.  We continue to have contact–some necessary until the house sells–and some just because he seems to want it.  I’m very much okay with the conversations, as long as I remember the last statement.

Therapy again tomorrow (after work, of course).  I will continue to continue–after all it’s really the only thing to do.

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Comments on: "And so it goes…" (2)

  1. I worry about my ex, too. I don’t want to be THAT person in his memory where the bad outweighs the good, where the contributions I made were futile, or where the short amount of time we had together was riddled with trouble rather than joy. I watch him full of anger and hatred at the world right now…full of anger and hatred toward me. It’s a far cry from just weeks ago when he begged me to remain in his life as a friend…that we have too much history to just walk away…that he cherishes my friendship. And literally, overnight, his attitude changed. (Which is typical as of late and one of the main reasons I am divorcing him.)

    The thing is this: I don’t *really* care what he thinks. I just *really* don’t want to look bad. I wish we could salvage a friendship, but in the end, my focus is on me. It has to be. Even when it hurts.

    I’m glad I’m not in this alone.

  2. My ex never understood what went wrong with our marriage, and, after awhile, I let go the need to have him understand. I went through a long period of guilt and of not wanting to be the Bad Guy. I had to let that go, as well, if I was ever going to move forward. He is happily remarried now, as am I. Because we have three kids, we see each other several times a year for family gatherings. During those times we can talk and joke around. And I’m grateful for that.

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