Redhead, nurse, sister, daughter, aunt, newly-ex-wife, sucker for lost animals, currently owned by Percy the cat and Spencer the dog. In the middle of some major changes–trying to figure out what I want so I can figure out how to get there.

Surely there are more important topics I could address at this point in time, but you are getting this instead.

These are not rules for everyone, but they are rules for me.  I an NOT looking for a new boyfriend,  However, I did put up a profile on a dating site in an attempt to meet some people.  (We shall not delve into the fact that my ex found it within 48 hours of the posting at this juncture, okay?)  I have people, but they have the nerve to have lives without me…kids, jobs, social schedules booked far in advance, not liking the same kind of music I do.  Anyway, I posted said profile, and was quickly reminded of the wheat/chaff concept that accompanies such an endeavor.  Here are my suggestions:

Do not post a photo showing your bare chest, no matter how beautiful it is.  I don’t want to see it yet–and likely never want to see it.  Immediate ding.

Do not post photos of you with other women cropped out except for that awkward arm.  Do not put a black “anonymity” bar across the eyes of a woman in a photo.  I don’t care if you ever fucked her–just get a new picture, okay?

Do not post photos that show you and the camera in the mirror.  Just don’t.  You must have one friend who can help you out.

Don’t post photos of you with your tractor,motorcycle, boat or car.  You might think this matters, but I don’t really care.  Well, if you have a motorcycle, I do care, and I can’t be friends with you.  (Too many years working as a nurse–squiggs me out.)

Do not misspell a word in your SCREEN NAME.  Do not use screen names that confuse or annoy me–Ga-Hotie, oldenuff2now, booboo, made2luvu, pnutbuttrunicorn (actually, I might change my mind about this one), im_courious.  WTF?

Do not put up a photo without a profile.  No matter how hot you are (which you really aren’t) I am not spending time writing to you unless I know you are literate.

Do not put up a profile without a photo of you–not a flower, not a stuffed animal, not a photo from the Body Human (yes, I really saw all of these).  I’m not as concerned about how you look as I am about the fact that you are comfortable enough with yourself to post a photo.

Don’t say stupid shit like “all my female friends can’t believe I’m available.”  Date one of them, okay?

Don’t expect me to believe that you are “free from all baggage from previous relationships” at age 40.  I call bullshit with a capital bull.

Don’t get all fucking coy when you get to the question, “What is the most private thing you are willing to admit here?”  Make up something funny, silly or embarassing.  It’s not asking you to measure your wank or talk about “that one time…at band camp.”  It’s an opportunity to be creative–use it!

Don’t tell me you like “all kinds of music.”  If this is true than you have no ability to discriminate Justin Bieber from Bob Dylan, or The Stones from New Kids.  Make a choice, okay?

Don’t “wink” at me and expect a response.  If my profile interests you–explain to me why.  If all you can muster is clicking a link, all I can do is say, “Next.”

Well, well, well.  Upon reading what I have written, it would appear that I am a bit bitter.  However, I really am not.  What I am is a bitchy redhead with a side of snark.  Who knew?

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Comments on: "Sophie’s rules for online dating profiles" (2)

  1. your sister said:

    it does not read as bitter, only selective.

  2. Ha! I knew.
    “Next!” made me laugh out loud.

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