I totally knew I had been a completely-slack-ass-blogger, but I had no idea it had been so long. I suck at this thing called “consistency.”
Part of me thinks I should figure out what I have done over the past month to explain my absence, but the hell with that. Here is what I remember. I made 2 trips out of town–for music and visiting…I had a fabulous time. I had a 10 day stretch where I attended 7 performances. I was totally fucking exhausted, and it hurt my hermit/curmudgeon credibility, but each and every show was wonderful. I went out on a “date” that I didn’t really intend. Said man has romantic interest in me…I have the dreaded “friend” interest in him. He kinda finagled a situation to be like a date without ever actually asking me. Yes, it was awkward. No, we haven’t spoken/emailed since (which bugs me at least a little). I will see him again–our paths cross often in the music scene. Ugh.
A very good friend lost her father suddenly–in a “holy-shit-he-can’t-be-dead-I-just-saw-him-last-week” kinda way. She lives far away and I wish I could give her a hug. I know that feeling all too well–May 14 was TWENTY-FUCKING-YEARS since Mother died. It hit me harder than I thought it would. My sister pointed out that next year will be the year our brother marks the weird mathematical year in which he will have been without her as long as he was with her. I have 2 more years before I turn the age she was when she died. It’s kinda freaking me out…not in a doomsday way, just in the “that shit is totally wrong” way.
Work is the big black hole of suck. We are anticipating 300 layoffs in the next month or so. The questions remain: 1) Will I still have a job? 2) Will it be a job I want? Hopefully decisions will come sooner than later. My staff appears to be safe in the”having a job,” but their jobs are changing, and I think at least one Very Good Nurse will likely quit due to the changes.
Last Sunday was a rough day for me. I experienced a series of disappointments/losses…some bigger, some smaller…but it all kinda piled upon me.I felt shittier than I have in a long time, and it made me nervous. I suppose the “Very Dark Days” I had in Houston make me more concerned when I feel myself traipsing down the rabbit hole. I made an extra appointment with my therapist, and I was recovering even before the appointment. I just never want to get to the point that I was then. Let’s just say that I still believe that suicide is a selfish solution to a temporary problem. but I know now far more than I ever wanted to about how a person could get there.
Monday I have my first “outing” with my new mentee. She is a 14 year old girl with a parent (I think her father) in prison. We met about 10 days ago, and it went pretty well. I must say that I was as nervous about that as I have ever been for a job interview. She likes music, science, and is on the dance team. She is smart and shy. She wants to be a CSI or an attorney when she grows up. Hopefully I can manage not to say “fuck” while we are together.
So, what the hell have you guys been doing?